Hey everyone!!
So I honestly can’t remember if I announced to y’all the second country on my route is…Panama!! I’m so sorry if I accidentally left you in the dark on this teensy little fact, but all I can say is I’m telling you now haha. An interesting fact about Panama is that their currency is USD like in the United States. This is different from Costa Rica where they use a separate currency called colones. The reason I point out this fact is because as I write this, I am leaving Costa Rica to enter a country whose currency is USD; but unlike the rest of my squad, that country is not Panama.
You read that correctly. I’m not going to Panama for the next 3 months. I’m coming home to the US. In other words…
I’m leaving the race.
This was not an easy, quicky, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants decision. I did, in fact, chose to leave. Not because I want to, but because I know Panama is not where the Lord has me in this next season. It took me weeks of praying, talking to leadership, and really letting it sink in what leaving the race halfway through meant. It took me even longer to actually come to terms with the fact that home is where the Lord is truly calling me, and then letting my team and leadership know this decision.
Please note that these past 3 months have been nothing short of incredible. The Lord really used this time to grow me and challenge me every opportunity He got. I can say that in the middle of all that growth and challenge, well, it sucked. It’s really hard to have the Lord tear apart every piece of who you are, ask you to fully surrender everything else, and live in a community that you want and need to pour into and love 24/7–all under what most would call uncomfortable living conditions.
Now I knew the race was going to be hard. There’s no doubt about that. And had I written this blog a few weeks ago, I would’ve chalked my feelings up to the race not being upfront about what all is expected of you when you sign their contract. If you were to ask me now, I would say yeah, the race is hard, but it’s a good, growing, calling you higher to look like Jesus kinda hard. And I wouldn’t trade these past 3 months for ANYTHING. I am so filled with gratitude for literally EVERYTHING that I experienced. The laughter, the friendships, the tears, the pain, the frustration, the love, the adventures, the growth, the loss, and the gain.
Although I can’t express how thankful I am to every person I met, every experience I had, everything the race is and gives and offers, the Lord also used this time to show me some things in my personal walk with Him that need to be journeyed away from the race. Like I said, He threw a lot of things at me these past 3 months, and the realization I came to in reflecting on these things is that I couldn’t commit to another 3 months of loving my team and pouring out to my ministries to my fullest while simultaneously trying to walk through these struggles. Through lots and lots of prayer and confirmation, the Lord has made it abundantly clear that the best place for me to walk through these things is at home—in a place where I can take the space I need to work through them and in a community that can help me walk through those things without the pressure of wanting and needing to fully love and be fully present for those around me 24/7.
Believe me, I wish I could be walking on Panama soil with the people I now call some of my closest family. Even after I made this decision, even after so much thought and prayer, I began to have doubts. But over and over again the Lord kept telling me, “no Brianna, I want you at home”.
A very obvious example of this was a few days before I was to officially tell leadership of my decision. I was trying to take a nap on the beach with some of the girls on my team, and I couldn’t because I had so many thoughts and doubts about my decision running through my head. I sat up and opened my Bible. I began to pray and read and just ask the Lord for peace and confirmation about my decision. When I looked up I saw a woman laying on a blanket in front of me, staring straight at me. She asked me if I was sad, (in Spanish), and I said no, just confused (in Spanish). She then asked me if I wanted to go home to the United States (in Spanish).
I was speechless.
We continued to then have a very deep conversation about what was going on in my life–all while she was trying to speak in English and I was trying to speak in Spanish. She basically gave me a lot of wisdom, encouragement, and advice about my situation. And by the end of the conversation, she said she didn’t know why I wouldn’t go home to the United States.
If that isn’t the Lord answering my cries for confirmation I don’t know what is.
I can’t tell you the amount of peace I had about this decision after the conversation with this random woman on the beach. This random woman that God placed right there to talk to me.
That all being said, I do want all my supporters to know that my time in missions is not over. Life is ministry and ministry is life, and just because I am leaving the race for now does not mean that I won’t be bringing the kingdom with me to St. Louis or anywhere else the Lord takes me. The race has graciously decided to hold my remaining funds for a future trip when I am in a place in my walk where the Lord is calling me back into overseas missions. And until then, I am overwhelmed with excitement to see the ministry opportunities the Lord has for me back at home.
I love you all and am endlessly grateful to everyone who made these last 3 months possible, as well as whatever future Jesus adventures are in store.
Bri-Dawg
Brianna- I love how you have listened so closely to the Lord that you were able to hear Him call you home. That took courage. I can’t wait to give you a hug and hear more of your experience.
Brianna, thank you so much for sharing and being a great example of what it means to seek the Lord when faced with such a difficult decision!!! We are praying for you and are excited to see what God has in store for you in the future!!!
Since we already had the shock! and thrill of getting to see and hold you close, we just want to thank the Lord for bringing you back to us, at least for awhile.
Love you so much ??
It was supposed to be HEARTS, not question marks!!
Bri-dawg I love you so deeply and I miss you, but know that all this is true. You are where you are supposed to be and the Lord is speaking to you, loving on you, growing you for a future committed to His Gospel and to His Kingdom. He used every moment. And our squad was SO impacted by you and your love and your joy and your closeness with the Father. Forever family ??